I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
