When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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