Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
