Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
