jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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