I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
