wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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