He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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