This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
