P.S. I can't hear my feet
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
