So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
