I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
