Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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