I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
