I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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