I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
