my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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