How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
