My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
