How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
