Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
