im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
did i walk over a car last night?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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