You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
