we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
