his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
