i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Are we still banned from the library?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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