Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
