I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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