rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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