he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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