It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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