you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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