does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
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I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back