My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.