if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're a waste of cheezeits
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?