End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
