Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
