I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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