Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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