I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
