I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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