College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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