ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it was like eating out sand paper
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
