I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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