Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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