he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
