He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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