I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
