guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
