I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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