My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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