Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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