So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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