I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
