My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
