my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
