I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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