I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read