I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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