yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
